blog it out.

To my ex-best friend, on your 24th birthday:


It's been almost 6 months since we last spoke. After that day, I pretty much knew we would never see each other again. Yet I continue to think about our "friendship." I'm still so bitter about everything, and I hate that. It's such a waste of time and emotion. But, I think I've finally figured out why it's still so fresh in my mind.

I regret how it ended.

It probably wouldn't have made a difference, but I wish I would have finally grown a backbone and stood up to you. Instead, I did what I had done for 10 years...I let you walk all over me. I've tortured myself replaying everything that happened in those last few months, and I still can't think of a damn thing I did wrong. And you should know...over the last 10 years, I had no problem apologizing and admitting my wrongs (even if they were nonexistent), because I was terrified of losing your friendship.

Boy was I stupid.

I finally realize you were never a friend. Sure, we went through the motions. We called each other best friends. You were always there for me when I was down (well, if it was convenient for you). I appreciated your comfort, and that's what I held to.

Looking back, however, in my happiest moments, you were completely absent.

It took me 10 years to figure out...you just liked seeing me down. It made you happy to know you had a better life than me. Last summer, when I met Ryan, I was the happiest I'd been in a long, long time. Finally getting over years of depression, things seemed to be looking up. I had a great job, I was living on my own, and I met the love of my life. Things couldn't be better! At that same time, you were struggling with your new marriage, tons of debt, a crappy job, and rejection from medical school (for the second year in a row). I was there for you. I didn't throw my happiness in your face. I never even mentioned it, as I knew you'd make me feel guilty if I did. But shouldn't friends be happy for each other? Sure, it's important to be there when things are bad, but isn't it just as important to be there when things are great?

You know I was a good friend to you. Always.

I made every effort to keep the friendship going. Rather than point out your bad decisions, I was sympathetic when the big bad world was out to get you. I indulged your selfishness. I ignored your judgmental, often bigoted comments. I excused everything. I don't know how many times I had to think to myself... "oh but I love her anyway."

The truth is: I didn't love you. Towards the end, I didn't even like you.

I held on to this imaginary friendship simply because it had been there half of my life. But why? So I'd have someone to see chick flicks with? So I'd have a go-to-girl for "girls night"?

Well, I got news for you. That's all I missed. A shopping buddy. A movie buddy.

Not you.

You were just filler.


So why am I still mulling? I've got a little vindictive bitch in me, and I wish you could have heard the truth for once in your life.

But...I need to let it go. You'll get your comeuppance.

And I'll continue to be happy. Without you.


Happy Birthday! Love, Rachel