toaster protocol.

an example of the daily absurdity that is my job...


the director of my office has this ridiculous obsession with the danger of toasters. yes. toasters.

so, anyone that chooses to toast something in our break room must follow proper toaster protocol.

it is as follows:

after use, the toaster must be placed in the cupboard whence it came.

easy enough, right?

well, in the event someone forgets, no need to worry! we are constantly reminded of this protocol. upon opening the "toaster cupboard" we are directly attacked by a doubly outlined, bolded sign reading "PUT THE TOASTER AWAY AFTER USE!!!"

(as a side note, i will never understand why the toaster is not placed on the counter, right next to the microwave and coffeemaker. there is plenty of room for them to be all friendly like.)

despite my strong toaster-counter leanings, i abide by the toaster protocol. or so i thought....

here i am, preparing my bagel for a delicious breakfast. after pressing the little toaster lever, i quickly go to the bathroom to clean my water bottle. **it is important to note that i was absent from the break room for approximately 60 seconds** i then come back to the break room, cheese up my bagel, and happily saunter off to my office...ready to start the day!

oh! i have an email. from the director.

apparently, ms. director was outraged that someone did not follow proper toaster protocol (luckily, she did not know i was the culprit). i find out that not only is the toaster to return to its cupboard, but while toasting...the toaster is NEVER to be left unattended. once the toaster has completed its duty, the toaster must remain on the counter until it cools. ONLY ONCE COOLED, the toaster returns to the cupboard.


as a consequence, i am left with constant toaster anxiety. my mind races... once i remove my bagel...i am supposed to let it cool...but if i leave the room..what if she thinks i simply didn't put it away?? if i put it away immediately after use..what if she somehow finds out there is a warm toaster sitting in the cupboard?! if i sit and wait for the toaster to cool....well then i'm avoiding my work. holy shit! i'm fucked!



today: i brought oatmeal for breakfast.



so. either my director has a major stick up her ass (definitely), or she has some traumatizing memory of a toaster abruptly bursting into flame (perhaps). or, maybe both.

nutjob.